I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
someone owes me an orgasm
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
