i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
She's the barista slut.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Randomize
