I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
