so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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