You just made me feel so damn special
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
