Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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