I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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