Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
