your parents love me but you hate me
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
