oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
