I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
