she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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