I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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