Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Randomize
