It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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