i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Randomize
