Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
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