me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
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