i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
