woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
