i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
NoShamevember. You game?
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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