wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
