every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Randomize
