Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
