Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
