Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize