I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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