the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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