woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
