the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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