omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
