I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
