I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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