I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
