youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
