Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
