I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
