Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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