dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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