so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
