Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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