I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
