sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
