I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
