I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
