I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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