I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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