I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
