The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Randomize
