i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
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