I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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