Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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