sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
