I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
