I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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