"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
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