Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
God gave him joint rollers for hands
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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