did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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