Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
