there's paper in my vomit.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
